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I only went faster and faster as I got older. Slowing down was never part of my plan growing up. But I finally learned that I could not cope with my life while holding on to guilt and shame about it.
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I punished myself for not being able to keep up with my peers in life. They assume that because we have disabilities, our lives must really suck. I was self-destructive because I thought I was supposed to be a wreck of a human being.Īnyone living with a disability and/or chronic illness knows that non-disabled people often feel sorry for us. I self-medicated almost to the point of self-destruction. I avoided my bipolar symptoms and trauma. The stigma surrounding disabilities hides the fact that just because someone is unable to do, or struggles with, some things doesn’t mean they can’t excel at other things. On the other hand, each and every person on this earth experiences life in a different way, and not everyone is capable of doing everything. I can’t speak for every person with disabilities and/or chronic illnesses, but for me there was definitely a grieving period for all of the things I wasn’t able to do and might not be able to do in the future, and that’s valid. This will be my reality for the rest of my life. The hardest pill for me to swallow was that there is no “cure” for my troubles. Even with medication and therapy, manic or depressive symptoms, as well as anxiety, will still occur. I thought that moment would be the end of my struggles, but that just wasn’t the case finding the right cocktail of medications and the right kind of cognitive therapy is difficult. It wasn’t until I was 21 years-old that I received a bipolar diagnosis and began taking medications for my symptoms. Unfortunately, that’s not entirely how things work. Growing up, I dreamt of the day that my mental health problems would finally be solved. RECOMMENDED: Spinning Out: Bipolar Motherhood, Daughterhood Duality
#Pursuit of happiness kid cudi full#
Rather lay awake in the bed full of sorrow You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, Tell me what you know about night terrors nothin' Tell me what you know about dreams (dreams) It took me so long to come to that conclusion. However, our disabilities and/or mental illnesses cannot be “fixed” because there is nothing wrong with us. Stereotypes about disabled people say that there is something wrong with us that needs to be fixed. Sometimes that’s true, and that’s okay too, but it’s not always the case.
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Stereotypes about people with mental illness say that we can’t function and our lives are a mess. I appeared to be happy, or at least okay, to the people around me, but I wasn’t. Growing up with mental illnesses is traumatizing. I never realized how big of an impact that mental illness had on me until recently I looked back on the “wild days” of my late teens and early twenties and realized just how much it affected me. I wasn’t certain that I would ever be happy. I’m on the pursuit of happiness… but happiness was a foreign concept to me in my teens and early twenties. I'll be fine once I get it, get it in, I'll be good I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I knowĮverything that shine ain't always gonna be gold (hey) It became the song that defined my “coming of age” story. It became an anthem for kids who were growing up with mental illnesses like perhaps one day we, too, could find happiness. The emotions in “Pursuit of Happiness” were so raw. It’s no secret that this album is about Kid Cudi’s battles with depression and substance abuse, as so much of his music is, and the recent Man on The Moon III: The Chosen continues his story. At the time of its release, I was only a 13 year-old kid who had just started showing symptoms of what would later be diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder-a mood disorder that consists of manic highs and depressive lows. Kid Cudi’s “Pursuit of Happiness (Nightmare)” was released in 2009 as part of his album, Man on the Moon: The End of Day. The same song that used to make you cry could carry absolutely no weight anymore, because you’ve healed from the pain that once connected you to it. Maybe it could be useful for you too the music will probably carry a different meaning to you now. I’ve recently discovered that a good way to measure my personal growth is to listen to the same music I did as a child and teenager. “Pursuit of Happiness” became an anthem for kids growing up with mental illness like perhaps one day we, too, could find happiness.